Parents and teachers usually want the same thing: for the child to be okay, to learn, to feel safe, and to thrive. Despite this shared goal, the relationship between home and school can sometimes feel strained, especially when a child has additional needs. Most of the time, the friction is not really about disagreement, it is about communication breaking down somewhere along the way.

This piece is written for parents of children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND) in the UK, and for the teachers and SENCOs who work alongside them. It looks at why communication matters, how to prepare for the conversations that count, how to advocate for your child without burning bridges, what to do if things break down, and how to build a partnership that can carry a family through the school years.

Key takeaways - Most friction between home and school tends to be about communication rather than disagreement, so a little preparation before meetings can go a long way. - Picking two or three clear priorities ahead of parents’ evening often makes short slots far more useful than trying to cover everything. - Framing requests around impact, and using SEND Code of Practice language, can help conversations feel collaborative rather than adversarial. - If communication breaks down, SENDIASS (or the Scottish and Welsh equivalents) offers free, independent advice, and schools generally have a formal complaints procedure as a next step. - Building a long-term relationship with the school, and particularly the SENCO, tends to matter more over time than winning any single conversation.

Why communication matters

Research on parent-school engagement tends to point to a fairly consistent pattern: where the relationship between home and school is strong, children generally do better, and where it is weak or adversarial, even good provision can struggle to have its full effect.

For SEND children, the stakes are often higher and the conversations can be harder. Reasonable adjustments, Education, Health and Care Plans (EHCPs), annual reviews, exclusions, transitions and behavioural incidents all tend to need sustained, clear communication between home and school. When that communication works well, problems are often caught and addressed early. When it breaks down, small problems can compound into larger ones.

Communication also matters because parents and teachers usually bring different kinds of knowledge to the table. Teachers see the child in a group setting, against the curriculum, across a structured school day. Parents see the child at home, across evenings, weekends and holidays. Neither view is complete on its own, and both tend to matter. The aim is to bring the two together, rather than treating one as more valid than the other.

Preparing for parents’ evenings

Parents’ evenings are usually the most common formal touchpoint between home and school, though they are often not the most productive one. Five-minute slots, long queues, tired teachers and tired parents can all work against a meaningful conversation. A little preparation can help.

Before parents’ evening, it may help to:

  • Pick two or three priorities. Trying to cover everything in five minutes often means covering nothing properly, so choosing what matters most can help.
  • Send a short email ahead of time. Something like “I would like to talk about X and Y at parents’ evening, is there anything else you would like me to know?” gives the teacher time to think, and can surface things you might not have thought to ask about.
  • Bring a short summary of your child’s profile. A printed page with the key points already on it gives the teacher something concrete to refer to.

During parents’ evening, some parents find it helps to:

  • Lead with what is working. Opening with “these are the things going well at home” can set a collaborative tone and give the teacher credit for what they are doing.
  • Ask rather than assume. “How is X settling into lunchtimes?” tends to open a conversation more easily than “X says lunchtimes are difficult.”
  • Take notes. It is easy to forget details afterwards, so a short note can be more reliable than memory alone.
  • Book a follow-up if there is more to discuss. Five minutes is rarely enough time for a complex picture, so agreeing a longer slot separately can be worthwhile.

Advocating effectively

Advocacy, in this context, is the skill of trying to get your child’s needs met without damaging the relationship with the school. It is harder than it sounds, particularly when you are tired, frustrated or worried.

A few approaches some parents find useful:

  • Stay curious. “Can you help me understand how X is going for you at school?” tends to open a conversation, whereas “X says…” can sometimes feel like an accusation.
  • Name the impact, not just the behaviour. “When X comes home exhausted, she finds it hard to manage homework” often gives a teacher more to work with than “X is tired after school.”
  • Use the language of the SEND Code of Practice where you can. Terms like SEN Support, reasonable adjustments, graduated approach and outcomes-focused provision can help anchor a request in shared, recognised terminology.
  • Bring patterns where possible. A short log of homework difficulties, sleep issues or school-refusal mornings can be more persuasive than a single anecdote.
  • Ask for specific things. “Could we agree that X happens during transitions?” tends to be more actionable than “could you be more flexible?”

When a conversation becomes difficult, it may help to:

  • Take a break. If things are getting heated, it is usually fine to pause and agree to come back to it.
  • Use “I” statements. “I feel worried when X comes home saying…” tends to land better than “you are not doing X.”
  • Ask about bringing someone with you. For formal meetings, such as annual reviews, EHCP applications or exclusion meetings, you can ask the school whether you may bring a partner, friend or SENDIASS adviser. Practice and meeting policies vary, so check this in advance.
  • Document things in writing. After any significant conversation, a short follow-up email such as “thank you for meeting today, we agreed…” can help protect everyone’s understanding of what was decided.

When communication breaks down

Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, the relationship with a school becomes strained. A few things that might be worth reflecting on if this feels familiar:

  • Is the school engaging with reasonable adjustments despite clear requests?
  • Do conversations feel adversarial rather than collaborative?
  • Is the SENCO or class teacher difficult to reach by phone or email?
  • Does it feel like your child is being blamed, punished or excluded in ways that seem disproportionate?
  • Do you feel excluded from decisions that affect your child?

If several of these feel true, it may be worth taking things further. In England, the path forward often includes:

  • A direct conversation with the headteacher.
  • The school’s formal complaints procedure, which schools are generally expected to have in place.
  • The local authority’s SEND team.
  • SENDIASS, the free, independent information, advice and support service available in your local authority.

In Scotland, the broadly equivalent advice service is generally known as Enquire. In Wales, it is SNAP Cymru.

In more serious cases, for example where a child is at risk of exclusion or has already been excluded and the process feels unclear, it may be worth seeking independent or legal advice. Some specialist SEN solicitors offer free initial consultations, and charities such as IPSEA (Independent Provider of Special Education Advice) offer free, independent information on SEN law.

Building long-term partnership

The aim is not usually to win individual arguments, it is to build a relationship that can carry your child through their school years. A few things that families and schools often find helpful:

  • Celebrate what works. When something goes well, saying so, even briefly, tends to be appreciated.
  • Stay involved in a way that is sustainable for you. Volunteering on trips, attending school events, or joining parent forums are all ways of staying present without feeling intrusive.
  • Try to see teachers as people doing a difficult job. Many are stretched, under-resourced, and doing their best within a system that itself faces real pressure.
  • Take the long view. Some years will feel easier than others, and the relationship built over several years tends to matter more than any single term.

Working with SENCOs

The SENCO, or Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator, is often the most important school-based ally for a family. In larger schools they coordinate SEND provision across year groups, while in smaller schools they may also be a class teacher. Either way, they are usually the person who knows the SEND system, the local authority’s processes, and what might realistically be possible to ask for.

A few things that can help when working with a SENCO:

  • Build the relationship early, even before an EHCP is in place. Simply knowing who the SENCO is and how they prefer to communicate can help.
  • Be specific about what you need. SENCOs are often juggling many cases at once, so a clear, written request tends to be easier to act on than a general concern.
  • Try to understand their constraints. SENCOs typically have limited time, limited budget and limited referral routes, and are working within a system that is itself under pressure.
  • Say thank you when they help. It is often a thankless role.

A note on the SEND system in England

The SEND Code of Practice sets out how SEND provision generally works in England. Broadly, the stages are:

  • SEN Support. Most children with additional needs are supported at this stage. The school identifies needs, plans provision, reviews progress, and involves parents along the way.
  • EHCP (Education, Health and Care Plan). A formal, legal document for children whose needs cannot be met through SEN Support alone. EHCPs typically take longer to obtain but carry more legal weight once in place.
  • Annual review. Once an EHCP is in place, it is reviewed roughly once a year, and this is usually a key moment to help shape ongoing provision.
  • Post-16 provision. EHCPs can, in many cases, continue into further education and training up to around age 25.

In Scotland, the broadly equivalent framework sits under the Additional Support for Learning Act. In Wales, the Additional Learning Needs system uses Individual Development Plans (IDPs).

Whichever system applies to your family, the general communication approaches described above tend to be useful across all of them.

A note for teachers

If you are reading this as a teacher, thank you. The SEND system asks a great deal of classroom teachers, including differentiating lessons, planning, communicating with parents, tracking progress, chasing paperwork, and doing all of this with limited time and often limited specialist training. The partnership with parents is not simply a nice extra, it is often the foundation that makes everything else work.

A few things that tend to help, from the parent side:

  • A short, factual update every few weeks is often more useful than a long, formal one once a term.
  • A one-page profile shared at the start of the year can save a lot of explaining later.
  • A working email address that is checked reasonably regularly is usually enough.
  • Honesty about constraints tends to be more helpful than silence.

The relationship between home and school is, in many ways, the strategy. Holding it carefully, repairing it when it strains, and trusting that most parents and most teachers, given the chance, want the same thing, tends to serve children well over time. If you are trying to understand your own child’s needs a little better before your next conversation with school, NeuroCheck Pro’s free online screener can offer a starting point. It is a reflection tool, not a diagnosis, and it produces a short summary you can bring to a GP, paediatrician or other qualified professional if you decide to take things further.

Frequently asked questions

What is a SENCO and how do they help with my child’s needs? A SENCO, or Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator, is the staff member responsible for coordinating SEND provision within a school. They can help coordinate SEN Support and contributions to EHCP processes and annual reviews, and may be a key point of contact between families and the wider school system. Building a relationship with the SENCO early on, even before formal support is in place, can make future conversations easier.

How can I prepare for parents’ evening if my child has SEND? It often helps to choose two or three priorities in advance rather than trying to cover everything in a short slot. Sending a short email ahead of time, and bringing a brief written summary of your child’s profile, can also help the conversation feel more focused. Some parents find it useful to open by mentioning what is going well before moving on to concerns.

What is the difference between SEN Support and an EHCP? SEN Support is the stage at which most children with additional needs are supported within their existing school, without a formal legal document. An EHCP, or Education, Health and Care Plan, is a more formal, legally binding document for children whose needs are not felt to be met through SEN Support alone. Whether a child needs an EHCP depends on individual circumstances, and a school or local authority SEND team can advise on the process.

What can I do if the school is not making agreed adjustments? It is usually worth raising the issue directly with the class teacher or SENCO first, ideally in writing, before escalating further. If that does not resolve things, most schools have a formal complaints procedure, and your local authority SEND team or SENDIASS (or the Scottish or Welsh equivalents) can offer independent advice on next steps. In more serious or ongoing situations, some families choose to seek advice from a specialist SEN charity or solicitor.

Can I bring someone else to a formal school meeting? For formal meetings such as annual reviews or EHCP-related discussions, you can ask whether you may bring a partner, friend or independent adviser such as someone from SENDIASS. It helps to mention this in advance so the meeting can be planned accordingly. Practice can vary between schools and local authorities.

Who can help if I do not know where to start with the SEND system? SENDIASS offers free, independent information, advice and support to parents and carers in England, with Enquire and SNAP Cymru providing similar services in Scotland and Wales. Your school’s SENCO and your local authority’s SEND team are also useful first points of contact. Charities such as the National Autistic Society and IPSEA offer further guidance depending on your child’s specific needs.

Sources and references

  1. Department for Education. SEND Code of Practice: 0 to 25 Years.
  2. SEND Information Advice and Support Services (SENDIASS) (2023). Independent Advice and Support for Parents and Carers.
  3. National Autistic Society (2023). Working With Your Child’s School.
  4. Carers UK (2022). Supporting Parent Carers of Disabled Children.
  5. NHS (2023). Special Educational Needs and Disability (SEND) Support.
  6. Royal College of Psychiatrists (2022). Autism and ADHD: Information for Parents, Carers and Teachers.
  7. UK Government Equality Act 2010 (2010). Guidance for Schools on Reasonable Adjustments.

Disclaimer

This article is company-authored informational content produced by NeuroCheck Pro to help readers understand this topic in general terms. It is not a medical diagnosis and is not a substitute for assessment by a qualified clinician. If you are concerned about your own or someone else’s health, please speak to your GP or contact NHS 111 for advice. If you or someone you know is struggling or in distress, the Samaritans are available free, any time, on 116 123.